Feb. 9th, 2013

mistressofmuses: White icon with black text reading "Buggre Alle This For A Larke." (buggre)
The NutriBullet will make it so you're ready to go again in seconds! And this is after it's pulverized your nuts and done something with vibrations! Also, they keep mentioning how it cures low sex drive! (It's a blender that they desperately want you to believe is not a blender.) It'll cure every disease known to man by liquefying your food! Because people can't digest solid food! And the fact that they're telling people to replace meals with kale smoothies has nothing to do with the fact they claim they've had health benefits: nope, it's all because the food has been pulverized. Because cell walls.

You can buy a DVD called Ballistic Backsides! (Which I assume is trying to cash in on the "what the fuck, I thought I was buying porn!" demographic. But instead, it's a workout DVD!) It's by someone famous that I've never heard of, but would have to pay $1500 to work out with in person! She turns overweight moms into fitness models! Somehow working down to next to 0% body fat still allows you to have D-cup boobs! So that whole fitness model thing is definitely because of the workout, not anything to do with the plastic surgery! And also nothing to do with the hair extensions, professional makeup, and photoshopped pictures! But some guy said he sweats like a pig when he does the workouts, so I should be very excited! I love pig sweat! Also, a girl is very happy that her boyfriend loves her again now that she's a model!

There's some tooth-whitening product with an active ingredient that sounds suspiciously like Cowpox! (It was Calprex, but seriously.) And this will make you pretty enough to deserve attention from other people, I guess!

Also, you should buy a special oven thing, because your only other option was to cook chicken and such in the microwave, and microwaved poultry sucks! But cooking in a regular oven is SO HARD!

The wee hours of the morning were very informative, okay?


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