Faint, muffled screaming...

Mon, 19 Jul 2021 19:13:40 GMT

I slept like garbage again last night. I really wish my sleep schedule could get it together for more than a few days at a time, ugh.

But me, suddenly wide awake at 2am, still thinking about getting the LotR extended edition trilogy, which is in-stock less than two miles away from me for $70. But then I remember that the Blu-Ray (the version available) had a widely-loathed blue-green tint over the whole thing. And then I remember that the 4k version also had a lot of issues (like a lot of mega-high-def stuff) with OVERsharpening things to the point that they lost a lot of the style that people remember from the movies originally. (To be fair, those are second-hand opinions based on comparative screenshots - I've only ever seen the movies in-theater or on DVD.) Other people seemed to love the 4k version, because the softer look that the films originally had didn't appeal to them. Fair enough, but I want the version I remember, lol.

And ugh, each of the extended edition DVD sets is like $60-70 new, and that I CAN'T justify. But oh look, the same seller has all three in used-but-very-good-condition for a bit over $15 each, and even have a non-generic description of them that makes it sound like these versions ARE in fact the ones they're selling. Cool. Won't be here until next week, but rad. Thanks internet shopping, being there for me at fuck-o'clock in the morning.

And then I watched another episode of OG Leverage.

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I spent the whole morning dragging because I was so tired, and now I'm in full too-much-also-not-enough-to-do mode. I've got some frustratingly directionless creative energy that I'd really like to direct toward something (at least my words for the day! please!), but just... can't... start...

I've got the "can't do that, because first I should put my laundry away. But really I should edit Steffi's book chapter. But that means getting my work laptop out, since I can't even load gmail on this one anymore. Also editing takes HOURS, because it's unpaid but I want to do a good job. So I don't know that I want to commit to spending hours on that right now, because I want to work on something of mine, and I'll be too tired to do that afterwards. But I can't start on my thing, because I know I SHOULD work on hers, so..."

This is one of those probable-ADHD things that I HATE, because it seems like it should be a non-issue, and even seeing that it SHOULD be easy for me to just... do my thing if that's what I want to do, or just work on her thing for half an hour at a time, or whatever, I can't make myself do it!

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I could also fall asleep and take a nap, but I have a feeling it's an escape-nap and not a tired-nap, and those are never satisfying.

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Productive, but scattered (and ADHD)

Sat, 23 Jan 2021 03:17:10 GMT

I *did* manage to do most of the stuff I'd had on my to-do list for today, which feels like a minor miracle. I haven't gotten any writing done (though I'm going to at least stare at my word doc for a bit.) However, I did go for a walk, water the plants, clean off my bedside table, and beta-read Chapter 3 of my German friend's book.

It's a little surprising to me that I've been so successful at getting things done for the last few weeks. I mean, it's three weeks into the month (year), so let's not get ahead of ourselves, but this is honestly way better than I usually do with following attempts at goal-setting.

While the extremely helpful therapy I went to a few years back was specifically for PTSD (and, uh... I can't remember if I ever said much about that whole experience? ...Looking back, I *did* mention it in passing back at the end of 2018 after my five and a half year hiatus. Cool.) Anyway, the EMDR therapy I did for about six months was extremely helpful for my PTSD, but the therapist suggested that I very likely could also have ADHD. The more I've looked into things written by people with adult ADHD, the more that seems like holy shit definitely a thing I have.

So while I don't have a for realsies diagnosis, beyond a therapist saying "this isn't what we're looking at right now, and we have to keep to a narrow focus because low-cost county services are what they are, but this is a plausible-to-likely diagnosis for you", I have looked at a lot of advice about how to try and manage it.

The habit-tracker thing has been surprisingly helpful this time around - the reward of filling in boxes with colorful pen to signify that I've done a thing gives me just enough of a semi-external reward that I manage to make myself do something I otherwise would have put off. I certainly don't think that it's a "fix" for ADHD in general, and "just keep a bullet journal! :D" is cliche bad ADHD advice along the lines of "have you tried yoga?" for depression, but hey, it's giving my brain its sweet sweet dopamine rushes.

I *do* want to do a couple more of the Fandom Snowflake challenges, but while I'd be willing to skip any that I don't want to do, I don't want to do them out of order, lol. And I'm pretty sure the next one is the one where you recommend a canon, which I want to do a *good* writeup for. Alas, that means I have to devote actual time to it.

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mistressofmuses

Faint, muffled screaming...

Productive, but scattered (and ADHD)