mistressofmuses (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mistressofmuses) wrote2013-02-09 08:36 pm
mistressofmuses) wrote2013-02-09 08:36 pm
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What I have learned from infomercials:
The NutriBullet will make it so you're ready to go again in seconds! And this is after it's pulverized your nuts and done something with vibrations! Also, they keep mentioning how it cures low sex drive! (It's a blender that they desperately want you to believe is not a blender.) It'll cure every disease known to man by liquefying your food! Because people can't digest solid food! And the fact that they're telling people to replace meals with kale smoothies has nothing to do with the fact they claim they've had health benefits: nope, it's all because the food has been pulverized. Because cell walls.
You can buy a DVD called Ballistic Backsides! (Which I assume is trying to cash in on the "what the fuck, I thought I was buying porn!" demographic. But instead, it's a workout DVD!) It's by someone famous that I've never heard of, but would have to pay $1500 to work out with in person! She turns overweight moms into fitness models! Somehow working down to next to 0% body fat still allows you to have D-cup boobs! So that whole fitness model thing is definitely because of the workout, not anything to do with the plastic surgery! And also nothing to do with the hair extensions, professional makeup, and photoshopped pictures! But some guy said he sweats like a pig when he does the workouts, so I should be very excited! I love pig sweat! Also, a girl is very happy that her boyfriend loves her again now that she's a model!
There's some tooth-whitening product with an active ingredient that sounds suspiciously like Cowpox! (It was Calprex, but seriously.) And this will make you pretty enough to deserve attention from other people, I guess!
Also, you should buy a special oven thing, because your only other option was to cook chicken and such in the microwave, and microwaved poultry sucks! But cooking in a regular oven is SO HARD!
The wee hours of the morning were very informative, okay?
You can buy a DVD called Ballistic Backsides! (Which I assume is trying to cash in on the "what the fuck, I thought I was buying porn!" demographic. But instead, it's a workout DVD!) It's by someone famous that I've never heard of, but would have to pay $1500 to work out with in person! She turns overweight moms into fitness models! Somehow working down to next to 0% body fat still allows you to have D-cup boobs! So that whole fitness model thing is definitely because of the workout, not anything to do with the plastic surgery! And also nothing to do with the hair extensions, professional makeup, and photoshopped pictures! But some guy said he sweats like a pig when he does the workouts, so I should be very excited! I love pig sweat! Also, a girl is very happy that her boyfriend loves her again now that she's a model!
There's some tooth-whitening product with an active ingredient that sounds suspiciously like Cowpox! (It was Calprex, but seriously.) And this will make you pretty enough to deserve attention from other people, I guess!
Also, you should buy a special oven thing, because your only other option was to cook chicken and such in the microwave, and microwaved poultry sucks! But cooking in a regular oven is SO HARD!
The wee hours of the morning were very informative, okay?
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Oh I love late night infomercials. I really do. They kill me every time. Not that I get to watch them anymore because we don't have cable, therefore, we don't have TV channels (San Marcos is in this vortex that is swirled between Austin and San Antonio with no local channels of its own, therefore, you have to have cable in order to pick up the channels from the two big cities).
But I just have to wonder...there's a sex toy that's also a blender? WTF? O_o I know that on one of the channels we used to have before ridding ourselves of cable, there was an hour of sex toy QVC or something, and that was always fun to watch, even though the prices of the sex toys were ridiculous (esp when you can go to Amazon and order sex toys that are just as quality for prices that are fantastically low -- and you get the benefit of reviews to read!).
And as far as the woman who can turn overweight moms into models with 0% body fat and D-cup boobs -- yeah, let's totally push the idea that all a woman has to do to be healthy and happy and whatever is to make sure she's got no waist or hips, but having big boobs is what her goal is. -_- Right. Those are the infomercials I not only turn off, but I usually swear at before throwing shoes at the TV in the process.
As far as those oven things...gawds. >_< I used to like watching the rotisserie ones, but then I heard just how much of a pain in the ass those are to clean up. Not that I ever really wanted one -- who the fuck as that much room in an apartment kitchen? No one. But those other oven things...JFC. Pull your heads out of your asses, people. Cooking chicken in the oven doesn't take that long at all. 20-25 minutes tops if you're making just chicken breasts. Might take an hour to roast a chicken, but who the hell cares? Quit being lazy and just cook a fucking meal. If I can be a badass in the kitchen, then anyone can be.
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It's not really a sex toy... it's just a blender, but everything they said about it was this awkward hilarious double entendre-laden stuff that made it sound like you were supposed to be getting off on your unnecessary kitchen appliances. (Which, I mean... if that's someone's thing, I'm not judging, but...) I think Alex was on the computer, and he heard "you'll be ready to go again in seconds!" and just about got whiplash from turning around and yelling "Wait, what!?" at the TV. And they kept insisting that drinking their smoothies (which aren't smoothies, because their product isn't really a blender, according to them) would cure every illness known to man, including low sex drive.
There was one sex toy one (a trojan vibrator, if I recall?) that came on a bunch a year or so ago... it was pretty lol-worthy, too.
Right? Half of the "after" pictures that were supposed to be oh-so-appealing were downright SCARY. I kept watching in somewhat horrified fascination, but it was absolutely ridiculous. The fact that so many of the models had obvious plastic surgery (plus complete makeovers as far as hair and makeup went) as well as what I'd bet is a liberal use of photoshop... yet were trying to sell a $140-ish exercise DVD set as something that would make this magically happen... ugh.
The oven thing was just silly. They were insisting that their thing (which wasn't a rotisserie one, but was some kind of... superwave oven or some shit) would totally replace a regular oven and a microwave and a toaster oven... it was just stupid. They had plenty of ridiculous black and white clips of people coping with the HORRORS of a conventional oven or having to take food out of a microwave... it was hilarious.
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HAHAHAHAHA! That's great. A blender with awesome stamina and who cares about your sex life to make you awesome libido smoothies. I love it!
And yes, the Trojan Vibration commercials were fucking awesome. I loved those things. They never failed to make me LOL really hard.
Yeah, I hate that shit that tells you to look better, lose weight, have big tits...blah blah blah, but fails to tell you that every single person they use has been made-up, tarted up, gone through surgery, is taped into their clothes...and people fall for that. Ugh.
Yeah, I know which oven thing you're talking about. I've seen those infomercials, and they just look stupid. They take up an ass-ton of counter space, are still stupid-crazy to have to clean up, and seriously. Cooking in the oven doesn't take that long, and cooking in the microwave isn't that bad. On top of that, if you want to eat food from the freezer, buy a fucking Miracle Thaw (if you can still get them) because they do thaw meat really quickly and they take up less room that that stupid superwave thing.
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I want a magical blender. :C Ours broke and I can't even pulverize beans to make sauces and dips anymore, let alone make sex-life-enhancing smoothies! Poor D and I, eating the cell walls of our food and all. It's no wonder we're not right.
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And indeed... I can't believe my misfortune to live in a blender-less household! That must be the root of all my problems. :P (I would actually like a working blender... though the NutriBullet is very adamant that it is NOT a blender, because blenders basically just stir food, and the NutriBullet PULVERIZES it.)
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SCIENCE!
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