mistressofmuses (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mistressofmuses) wrote2023-07-31 10:31 pm
mistressofmuses) wrote2023-07-31 10:31 pm
Dog park! + writing angst
Today was another day where we wanted to do things... but then Alex wasn't feeling great, and so the morning took much longer than it ordinarily would have.
I was also dragging... I wound up just stuck in social media scroll hell, and couldn't break out of it to do anything else, which is always frustrating.
We wound up settling on going to a dog park in a different city, one that's mostly sand, so it's a bit easier on the dogs' feet. (They also have working water, which isn't a given at the ones closer anymore.)
It went well! It wasn't crowded, but there were a few dogs that Bella got to interact with. (Cy too, but as much as he's excited to see dogs when we're on a walk or in the car... at a dog park he immediately loses interest and wants nothing to do with them, lol. He just wants to wander the perimeter and chase tennis balls.) Got to meet the beefiest beefcake of a tiny pit, lol. He was like the opposite shape of Bella. Bella decided she loved him and the other two dogs his person had brought, so she walked around the whole park with them, lol.
-
Unfortunately, the "social media scroll hell" that I was stuck in earlier tipped me off that heh, probably in a bit of a depressive period, actually. I don't fall into those as often or as completely as I used to, but they still sneak up on me sometimes.
The other big clue was that I've been trying (and mostly not succeeding) to write... and today my thoughts on that was "eh, it doesn't matter. I should just preemptively give up on the AUgust thing."
Which... :(
I don't want to preemptively give up on the AUgust thing. I only got... twoish and a halfish of the 15 stories I was hoping to done for July, which is pretty lousy, and puts me firmly in the "fuck, gotta write a fic a day" camp for the challenge, but... I want to! I spent time planning out what I wanted to do for those fics, and a lot of those ideas do appeal to me.
Except now it's here and I'm having to do that, I just... don't want to anymore.
I hate it!
We'll see if I manage to pull myself together enough to write the stories. The challenge is really laid back, so it's fine if things get posted late, or if you skip days, etc. So yeah, I could just pick a few of the prompts to focus on, and write like... one or two per week instead of one per day. Or I could try to do one every two days, and just post half of them in September instead. Or I could say fuck it, and just write the ones I was most interested in and post them whenever. I know that long-term, I'd be happiest if I do make myself push through; I just don't know if I can.
I feel like I wasted July, even though I know I didn't. I had my vacation, which didn't create a lot of writing progress, but did involve a lot of doing things. Things I enjoyed! I finished archiving stuff elsewhere, which was also an ongoing/time consuming thing. (But is another one where as glad as I was at the time, now my only thoughts are "ugh, why did I bother?")
So... annoyed because I recognize the emotional downswing, but that doesn't give me the power to tell it to go the hell away or easily push through and find the motivation to do the thing.
I was also dragging... I wound up just stuck in social media scroll hell, and couldn't break out of it to do anything else, which is always frustrating.
We wound up settling on going to a dog park in a different city, one that's mostly sand, so it's a bit easier on the dogs' feet. (They also have working water, which isn't a given at the ones closer anymore.)
It went well! It wasn't crowded, but there were a few dogs that Bella got to interact with. (Cy too, but as much as he's excited to see dogs when we're on a walk or in the car... at a dog park he immediately loses interest and wants nothing to do with them, lol. He just wants to wander the perimeter and chase tennis balls.) Got to meet the beefiest beefcake of a tiny pit, lol. He was like the opposite shape of Bella. Bella decided she loved him and the other two dogs his person had brought, so she walked around the whole park with them, lol.
-
Unfortunately, the "social media scroll hell" that I was stuck in earlier tipped me off that heh, probably in a bit of a depressive period, actually. I don't fall into those as often or as completely as I used to, but they still sneak up on me sometimes.
The other big clue was that I've been trying (and mostly not succeeding) to write... and today my thoughts on that was "eh, it doesn't matter. I should just preemptively give up on the AUgust thing."
Which... :(
I don't want to preemptively give up on the AUgust thing. I only got... twoish and a halfish of the 15 stories I was hoping to done for July, which is pretty lousy, and puts me firmly in the "fuck, gotta write a fic a day" camp for the challenge, but... I want to! I spent time planning out what I wanted to do for those fics, and a lot of those ideas do appeal to me.
Except now it's here and I'm having to do that, I just... don't want to anymore.
I hate it!
We'll see if I manage to pull myself together enough to write the stories. The challenge is really laid back, so it's fine if things get posted late, or if you skip days, etc. So yeah, I could just pick a few of the prompts to focus on, and write like... one or two per week instead of one per day. Or I could try to do one every two days, and just post half of them in September instead. Or I could say fuck it, and just write the ones I was most interested in and post them whenever. I know that long-term, I'd be happiest if I do make myself push through; I just don't know if I can.
I feel like I wasted July, even though I know I didn't. I had my vacation, which didn't create a lot of writing progress, but did involve a lot of doing things. Things I enjoyed! I finished archiving stuff elsewhere, which was also an ongoing/time consuming thing. (But is another one where as glad as I was at the time, now my only thoughts are "ugh, why did I bother?")
So... annoyed because I recognize the emotional downswing, but that doesn't give me the power to tell it to go the hell away or easily push through and find the motivation to do the thing.
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Kinda relatable, honestly. *g*
that doesn't give me the power to tell it to go the hell away or easily push through and find the motivation to do the thing.
If only! >.< (Much too relatable.)
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And yeah. It feels terribly unfair that awareness of emotional states doesn't give you any real meaningful control over them. :/
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A fic a day sounds super intense! I hope you find a level with it that's good for you. Sometimes taking a part at least a little can feel good, even if you can't go as hard as you want
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I don't know how long I'll keep the fic per day thing up, though I'm going to give it a try! Though if I can't do it, I'll either skip the ones I'm lukewarm about, or just get all of them done when I get them done, even if it means I fall behind.
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perhaps you can try something to motivate you externally to write; i find that writing in itself isn't enough of a motivator for me during depression. right now i'm using 4thewords, but before that, it was stuff like disconnecting from the internet for a certain amount of time so that the only thing i can do on my computer is write... i'm sure you've heard these tips before, but it has to be something that motivates YOU specifically.
i do think that whatever the motivator is, an effect of that has to be of making writing fun, though. again, for me that's currently 4thewords, but before that, i used to try to get back into writing again by dabbling in play-by-post roleplaying. the fact that someone was waiting for me to write my post in order that they could then write theirs, was enough of a motivator. and reading that person's posts and how they effect the story we're writing together was the element of fun i needed.
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External motivation does definitely help. Right now the feeling of accomplishment of completing the daily fic challenge is helpful, but I don't know if that feeling will last through the whole month!
I wish I'd been able to get into RP - I had a ton of friends who were, but it never really worked as well for me as I hoped! It's such a cool type of collaboration, though.