mistressofmuses (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mistressofmuses) wrote2026-02-23 06:35 pm
mistressofmuses) wrote2026-02-23 06:35 pm
Entry tags:
But where is my dopamine hit??
I am, tragically and frequently to my own detriment, a procrastinator. I am also a classic millenial who is afraid of the phone. So when I have phone calls I have to make, I will sometimes put them off for far longer than is reasonable.
I've been putting off a minor maintenance thing since *November.*
I needed to call and reschedule a doctor's appointment (because I forgot to ask for the day off).
I needed to call the hospital, because every time I try to pay my bill online the payment declines.
I was going to do all of that three weeks ago. Then I was going to do it two weeks ago. Then I was going to *definitely* do it on my weekend last week. Then when I didn't do it last weekend I was going to force myself to get up early and do it before work. Then when that wasn't going to happen, I was going to make myself sacrifice a lunch break to do it. Then when that still didn't happen, I told myself I really *had* to do it this weekend. I even tried to hype myself up about while at work on Sunday, like "yeah, if you make those calls on Monday, you don't have to worry about them after! You'll be done! You can do whatever you want for the rest of the weekend, guilt-free! It's going to feel like such a relief for it to be off your to-do list!" This morning, I did not want to make those calls, and tried several times to convince myself that tomorrow would be better to make them anyway for some reason (which would of course inevitably lead to putting it off again.)
BUT I MADE THE CALLS.
I called the hospital, and the payment was also declined over the phone, though it at least told the lady on the phone why: it exceeded my bank's daily spending limit.
So I called my bank. They gave me a temporary increase to the spending cap, but told me the charge would probably decline again, but that I should get an immediate call or text from them asking if it was a legit charge, and then I could try again.
So I tried the charge again. Declined. No call or text from the bank.
Fuck it. I just charged a partial amount, and will keep going in and paying it in chunks over the next few days.
I called my doctor's office, and that was at least easy. Pushed my physical out a couple weeks, which will hopefully be good. (Maybe I'll have shaken the cold by then.)
Called for the maintenance thing. They'll come by tomorrow.
...and I felt absolutely no sense of satisfaction or accomplishment, which was really frustrating. :/ Usually when I finally Do The Thing, I at least feel really relieved once it's done! Often a little embarrassed at the same time, because it's typically such a small amount of effort compared to how much I stressed over it, but at least there's some relief! This time... nothing.
Perhaps it's because today I did find out that my insurance is denying coverage of my visit to my PCP (saying I owe an additional $350) because in order to visit my PCP... they say I needed a referral from my PCP.
I am frustrated because that will require additional, probably even WORSE phone calls.
I still feel like I should be glad to have gotten those other calls done with, but if anything it made me feel worse. We went and ran errands, and then I just spent the day sitting like a lump of misery, because I'm still sick and coughing up infection-flavored gunk, and I felt worse instead of better after doing the thing I'd put off, which made it really difficult to try and do anything else.
Boooooo.
I've been putting off a minor maintenance thing since *November.*
I needed to call and reschedule a doctor's appointment (because I forgot to ask for the day off).
I needed to call the hospital, because every time I try to pay my bill online the payment declines.
I was going to do all of that three weeks ago. Then I was going to do it two weeks ago. Then I was going to *definitely* do it on my weekend last week. Then when I didn't do it last weekend I was going to force myself to get up early and do it before work. Then when that wasn't going to happen, I was going to make myself sacrifice a lunch break to do it. Then when that still didn't happen, I told myself I really *had* to do it this weekend. I even tried to hype myself up about while at work on Sunday, like "yeah, if you make those calls on Monday, you don't have to worry about them after! You'll be done! You can do whatever you want for the rest of the weekend, guilt-free! It's going to feel like such a relief for it to be off your to-do list!" This morning, I did not want to make those calls, and tried several times to convince myself that tomorrow would be better to make them anyway for some reason (which would of course inevitably lead to putting it off again.)
BUT I MADE THE CALLS.
I called the hospital, and the payment was also declined over the phone, though it at least told the lady on the phone why: it exceeded my bank's daily spending limit.
So I called my bank. They gave me a temporary increase to the spending cap, but told me the charge would probably decline again, but that I should get an immediate call or text from them asking if it was a legit charge, and then I could try again.
So I tried the charge again. Declined. No call or text from the bank.
Fuck it. I just charged a partial amount, and will keep going in and paying it in chunks over the next few days.
I called my doctor's office, and that was at least easy. Pushed my physical out a couple weeks, which will hopefully be good. (Maybe I'll have shaken the cold by then.)
Called for the maintenance thing. They'll come by tomorrow.
...and I felt absolutely no sense of satisfaction or accomplishment, which was really frustrating. :/ Usually when I finally Do The Thing, I at least feel really relieved once it's done! Often a little embarrassed at the same time, because it's typically such a small amount of effort compared to how much I stressed over it, but at least there's some relief! This time... nothing.
Perhaps it's because today I did find out that my insurance is denying coverage of my visit to my PCP (saying I owe an additional $350) because in order to visit my PCP... they say I needed a referral from my PCP.
I am frustrated because that will require additional, probably even WORSE phone calls.
I still feel like I should be glad to have gotten those other calls done with, but if anything it made me feel worse. We went and ran errands, and then I just spent the day sitting like a lump of misery, because I'm still sick and coughing up infection-flavored gunk, and I felt worse instead of better after doing the thing I'd put off, which made it really difficult to try and do anything else.
Boooooo.
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But hey...you want ME to call on MY CELLPHONE on MY OWN PERSONAL TIME to deal with a bill issue, a scheduling issue, a...whatever? Oh no no no. Please no. Please don't make me actually have to speak on my cellPHONE when I should be able to just text.
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Demanding clients calling in who want you to fit them in RIGHT NOW IMMEDIATELY is always obnoxious.
But yes, the work calls are far less of a problem than when I have to deal with personal stuff. I don't want to spend my time doing it! I don't want to stress about it! I don't want to hear ten times on your hold message that I can do things online, because TRUST ME, I wish I could and I already tried!
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For real though, while I don't have the same phone aversion per se, I absolutely have my own flare on this theme of "avoid said thing until it REALLY becomes a total mindfuck realizing how easy it would have been to just have done the damned thing and moved on" maddening mental loop.
And arrrrgh, I'm so sorry you're still sick. Like, damn girl, I've had enough of you having had enough of this nonsense, for you, somehow, because that's totally how that works, and therefore you should be wholly exempt from this sort of thing for a VERY long time haha? *sends massive hugs in spirit*
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The "avoid until it has grown into something that cannot be avoided" is such an annoying loop to be stuck in. Sometimes my recognizing it is enough to push me to handle something, but often it isn't, even when I know that's exactly what I'm doing. HATE IT.
Bleh! I definitely feel like after this I should be exempt from any further issues for the whole damn year, at least!!
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Ugh, again, as the kids say these days, "mood"... I love the justifications my asshole brain comes up with that compounds the inevitable awful accumulation of awful later avoiding certain matters too. It's just super haha.
I genuinely hope you've successfully been exempted from any and all bullshit going forward as of late. <3
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Right?? My brain is SO good at justifying why I should not do something that I do, in fact, need to do. Sometimes I'm good at pushing through it, but other times I am all too ready to listen to my brain telling me not to do it just yet, haha.