Cringe is dead:

*from tumblr user grumfield
**except by worst I still also mean best

I realized that I still have a lot of feelings about Jupiter Ascending. This movie is coming up on 7 years old now, so it's not like my thoughts are all that interesting or relevant at this point, but TOO BAD.

I said in my last post that this movie is impossible to describe, and I mean it, but I'm going to try anyway.

Jupiter Ascending...

I feel like it's important to know this movie has a Real Cast. Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne (the year after he won an academy award)...

And it's written and directed by the Wachowski sisters!

It is pure wild wish-fulfillment bonkers nonsense the whole way through, while also being very PRETTY. This movie gets extremely maligned for being very indulgent toward more typically feminine aesthetics and interests, unlike most Space Opera type things, but that's part of what I love.

Here is my semi-chronological recollection of this film. It's got some spoilers, I guess? Please use this as either an advertisement for this film or as a warning to stay away, depending on your taste.

A lot of it reminds me of talking to a kid telling you the Coolest Story Ever, but with a handful of stronger themes mixed in.

- Like, love interest is kind of a GENETICALLY ENGINEERED WEREWOLF, but he also used to have WINGS, but he lost them after getting kicked out of SPACE MILITARY (for killing some rich guy). But he's pretty much terminally sad and pretty. Also wears eyeliner and has space rollerblades. And pointy ears.
- And then there's a bunch of LASER SPACE FIGHTS.

[Doona Bae as a rad blue-haired cyberpunk bounty hunter is EVERYTHING I WANT.]

- And Sean Bean lives in a house full of BEES. And his name is Stinger. He has Complicated History with werewolf boyfriend! And all the bees love the main character! Because they recognize royalty, and she's secretly important space royalty!
- There are a lot of neat alien designs! Some are like classic Roswell-crash grey aliens. Some look like dragons! Some look like deer! Or mice! Or elephants!
- Now there's a lot of SPACE POLITICS. Between functionally immortal SPACE RICH PEOPLE who are also thematically-but-not-literally VAMPIRES. They are all siblings who all try to outdo each other at being THE WORST OF THE WORST.
- They all think main character is the reincarnation of their mother! There's a lot to unpack there! So many space issues!

[Genuinely, I think it's an interesting sort of worldbuilding cultural view of reincarnation. The whole rich-people-space-society is obsessed with genetics, so their idea of reincarnation is the exact same genes showing up in a new person, and then that reincarnation becomes the more direct heir to the previous "incarnation".]

[There's actually a pretty strong theme about exploitation of resources, and how vast quantities of people can be made to suffer (or die!) for the gains of very few, while those who are exploited never reap any of the benefits.
This is strengthened by the fact that main character in her "ordinary life" is an illegal Russian immigrant who cleans houses for a living.]

- There's a space DMV! It sucks! I love satirical over-the-top space bureaucracy!
- My absolute favorite: love interest tries to turn her down, and it's super awkward, and he tells her "I have more in common with a dog than I do with you." Which leads to the ALL TIME BEST LINE/DELIVERY: "...I love dogs."
- So much backstabbing! So much double crossing!
- There are SO MANY amazing costumes! So many fancy dresses, it's ridiculous. (But also A+ to the costume design because they're all really cool and pretty.)
- DRAMATICALLY INTERRUPTED SPACE WEDDING
- I saw someone else say that Eddie Redmayne speaks in 9 pt. or 72 pt. font with no in-between and god is that the truth.
- "I CREATE! LIFE!"

[Holy hell, a movie that keeps at least one chunk of thematic consistency without *directly* pointing it out, and just letting it be clear from the character's choices? FUCKING THANK YOU. It's really just a variation on the trolley problem but hey.]

- SO MANY EXPLOSIONS
- I love these terrible space immortals and their terrible space family and their terrible space drama and backstabbing and murder.
- SPACE WEREWOLF BOYFRIEND GETS HIS WINGS BACK!!

This movie is genuinely a hot mess in a lot of ways, and most people who like it absolutely class it as a guilty pleasure type movie. But the enjoyment, imo, is also very genuine, at least for me. Parts of it are extremely silly, but I appreciate both that it seems to be continually having fun, and is also sincere. It very much does not fall into self-mockery. I hate movies that try to be too cool for sincerity, and just continually try to make sure they're making fun of themselves before you get a chance to. (There's a place for self-awareness, and some movies pull it off. But usually it comes across as self-conscious, and I hate it.)

I think this absolutely needed to be like... three movies in order to actually flesh out all the rapid-fire plot points and scene changes and things, and some of the bonkers nature of it is definitely the fact that it's trying to do too much. But also... idk, if you have a chance to just fling every little scrap of story or scene aesthetic you want into something with a budget behind it... fucking go for it.

I can absolutely see this as the kind of wish-fulfillment fantasy that I would have come up with as a middle-schooler, and later been far too self-conscious to admit to. (And later in life, unwilling to be so self-indulgent.) Me-as-main character is secretly important! Angsty, pretty space-werewolf boyfriend who also has wings and a Tragic Past! Wildly complicated bad-guy murder plots! Betrayal! Explosions! Big dramatic space battles! So many fancy dresses and beautiful scenery! I have the power to save the world! Hell, I even love bees, lol.

So seeing that brought to screen, and by a pair of trans women, is a feeling I enjoy. And I hope they enjoyed getting to make this movie as much as it seems like they did, because I sure as hell enjoy watching it. Even when it's silly.